I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
