There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
