I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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