i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
