well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
