I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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