Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
