I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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