Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
