Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Every concussion has its silver lining
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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