Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
