i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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