I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
