I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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