omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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