The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
