You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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