Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
