I am spending my child support on dildos
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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