I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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