12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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