We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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