two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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