Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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