You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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