I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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