I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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