I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
