when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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