I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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