You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just gargled with NyQuil
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
