I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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