No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
