You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
