Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
