when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize