guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
