...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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