if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize