I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
