fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
