dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
