woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm like, not good at living.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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