If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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