He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
