I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
