FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize