Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
