I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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