Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
