wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
