All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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