I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
