So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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