and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
