I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
