Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
